C is for Conspiracy Theories

-Nihil sanctum estne?
-What does that mean? Oh, it's Latin, isn't it.
-Is nothing sacred? -Rushmore

Apparently not. Case in point, as Jonah Goldberg reports: it seems the folks at PBS have deemed Cookie Monster an inappropriate role model for impressionable kids who might seek to emulate his dietary habits. Lest children grow up thinking that "C is for Cookie" constitutes a mandate for unlimited snacking, his offending trademark song has been replaced with "A Cookie Is a Sometimes Food."

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven," quoth Qoheleth, David's son, king in Jerusalem:

a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Birth, death, love, hate, war, peace; all of these, the Good Book tells us, are Sometimes Things. Each has their appointed time. We might expect then that there is a time for eating cookies, and there is a time for not eating cookies. But the Bible does not say this. In fact, the Bible maintains a reverent silence on the subject of cookies. What then are we to conclude? Are cookies a Sometimes Food? It seems that they are not. How else can we explain their glaring omission from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8?

Logically, we are left with two possible conclusions: cookies are an Anytime Food, or they are a Never Food. The fact that the Bible does not specifically prohibit them speaks tellingly in favor of the former. "The curtness of the Ten Commandments," notes Chesterton, "is an evidence, not of the gloom and narrowness of a religion, but, on the contrary, of its liberality and humanity. It is shorter to state the things forbidden than the things permitted: precisely because most things are permitted, and only a few things are forbidden." In fact, the aforementioned Biblical silence on the matter of cookies, far from connoting disapproval, actually conceals a hidden code, a secret message from God to His Creation:

• 1 c. 1 Samuel 25:11
• 1 c. Genesis 24:11
• 1/2 c. Judges 5:25
• 1 tsp 1 Corinthians 5:6
• 1 c. Jeremiah 6:20
• 1 Isaiah 10:14
• 1 3/4 c. 1 Kings 4:22
• 1/4 tsp Leviticus 2:13
• 1 1 Kings 10:2
• 1/2 c. Numbers 17:8
• 1 tsp Exodus 16:31

Combine first three scriptures then bring to Job 41:31. Remove from the heat. Cool. Add remaining scriptures. Then follow the advice in Proverbs 23:14; first clause. Pour in a greased 15x10x1 pan and Exodus 12:39 with confectioners Jeremiah 6:20 or frost while warm. Enjoy.

That's right; the Bible is nothing but an elaborate recipe passed down through the ages. "Heaven and Earth will pass away," Jesus tells us, "but my words will not pass away" (Luke 21:33). Ergo, cookies are an Anytime Food, and PBS is unbiblical. The seat of Cookie Monster is vacant, for the one who now sits in it is an imposter to the throne, an anti-Cookie Monster if you will, for he who is not for cookies is against them. Anathema sit!

In fact, much like the Catholic Church, PBS has relapsed to the pagan beliefs of ancient Egypt. It's obvious, when you consider that PBS stands for "Ptah Bastet Sekhmet", the names of ancient Egyptian gods and goddesses, but perhaps most damning is the incontrovertible evidence below:



Mark my words: the apostasy of Cookie Monster is a sign of the coming apocalypse. Woe unto PBS on that day, when judgment falls upon them like a rolling pin, and condemnation like a cookie cutter! Already the fiery furnace is being preheated for those who will not repent of their iniquity. Woe to PBS when the Food Pyramid is cast down like the Tower of Babel, and the Master Baker comes in all his glory to judge the stewards of his kitchen!